How to Talk with School-Age Children (6 to 12 years)

Children aged six to 12 see most things in terms of how they relate to their own lives. If your seven-year-old asks, "Mommy, my friend Timmy says our teacher is gay. What does gay mean?" you might say, "Gay means that Ms. Chambers loves a woman like I love Daddy."

It’s also important to understand why your child wants to know. Maybe someone said the teacher was gay in a scary or prejudiced way, and your child is looking for reassurance. Maybe your child has come up with his or her own ideas about being gay, and wants to check them out with you. Again, listening first gives you a good idea of what your child wants to know and needs to know.

Children aged 11 to 12 can identify with others. They understand that they can have several feelings about something at the same time. Their bodies are changing, and many preteens are thinking about sex, even if they aren’t talking about it. Sexual curiosity and attraction to other kids of the same sex is a normal part of development. Just because your child has these feelings doesn’t mean he or she is gay.

Consider these situations:

• You might discover your eleven-year-old daughter crying after school where she and her best friend were called "lesbos" because they were holding hands. Listen to what upsets her most. Does she know the meaning of the names she was called? Does she feel she should stop holding her friend’s hand? Is she scared of the other kids? After talking to your daughter, you may want to follow up with the school counselor or principal to express your concerns.
  
  
• You might be called by your child’s school because your son or daughter is bullying and calling another child "fag," "queer," "sissy," "tomboy," or saying "gay" in a hostile manner. This is an important time to talk with your child and stress the value of treating everyone with tolerance and respect.

In general, the questions and the ideas become more complicated as kids grow older. "How do people who are gay have children?" "Why do some kids call others fags?" "Why do some girls act tough and dress like boys?" And, one that is often scary for parents, "Am I gay?" If your child is wondering if he or she is gay, it’s important to assure them that you love them, whatever their sexual orientation. It’s also important to let them know that they will eventually answer that question for themselves as they get older and learn more about their feelings.

Talk openly with your child and be as honest as possible. You can admit when you’re feeling embarrassed or don’t know the answers to your child’s questions. If you work together to find out the answer, you show your child that curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of.

Overview
Booklet for Parents
Print Version (154kPDF)

• Introduction
• Why Should I Read This?
• Tips for Your Discussion

How to Talk with:

• Pre-School Age Children
• Teenagers

Questions and Answers
Resources
Tip Sheets

• Bullying and What to Do About It
• Bullying and Gay Youth

For more information, contact:
Mental Health America
2000 N. Beauregard Street, 6th Floor
Alexandria, VA  22311
Phone 800-969-NMHA (6642)
TTY 800-433-5959
Fax 703-684-5968
Email: infoctr@nmha.org

National Mental Health Association
2000 N. Beauregard Street, 6th Floor
Alexandria, VA 22311
Phone 703/684-7722
Fax 703/684-5968
Mental Health Resource Center 800/969-NMHA
TTY Line 800/433-5959